I am OK

Saying i am OK, may not seem like anything major to some people.  But right now it is to me. 'I'm OK' used to be something i would say just because i didn't want people knowing otherwise. It was said to stop questions, it was said to fool people, and if I said it enough times I nearly believed it.  I'm OK often meant i had planned something and so that's OK, or when other heard it they sore it as - its OK she's still here!

Although I had people around me who knew that those words actually meant nothing and were just said I still said them. Only a few would keep asking and see past it, others would just hug me and say one day you will be.  

I never ever believed i would actually say the words I'm OK and they be true. I never thought i would say, yeah actually I'm doing good and mean them. I could not see it ever happening. 

But over the last week i have seen a lot of people that I've not seen for a while, and been asked the 'How you doing/Hows things?' questions, to which I have responded 'yeah I am OK, things are good, I'm doing well,'

The difference between when i used to say those words, and when i am saying the now, is that now they ARE TRUE! I AM OK! i know now that its OK not to be OK, but actually right now i am doing OK.  

I can say it and mean it and even have a smile on my face too.  Looking back at when i just used to say it i never actually believed i would be OK, where as now i know things can only get better, yes there will be time when things may be hard but I'll still be OK.  

I AM OK!

not my own images

Challenged

The last few days I have been trying to write my testimony, I have been challenged to look at where I am currently at and where I am heading. When I sit and look at where I have come from at times I am still awestruck at the amazing transformation that God has done in my life.  Yet I know that I still have a journey ahead of me.

Its hard to keep to my word limit as there's so much that I want to say.  How to bring across the complete joy i now have and healing that has happened.  For those that know me, and see me on a day-to-day that restoration doesn't need to be explained because they see it, but to those who don't know me and may be reading it from place of hurt it may seem like an impossibility. I know because i remember doing just that - reading other girls testimonies, stories of hope and freedom and never being able to see it, not accepting that it could happen to me, maybe slightly doubting that it was true. 

 Now i am on the other side of that and I'm living it. My life is changed, I walk out my freedom every single day. That doesn't mean everything is rosy and fine now - far from it. Life still throws things at me - life still goes on, but how I deal with things has changed. I am not the same girl I was a year ago. I am no longer a victim to my past, I can't change it - BUT I CAN AND I DID CHANGE MY FUTURE! 

I've looked back over the last year and I've seen a miracle, things that I never ever believed would happen happened. But i know that it doesn't stop here, I have a future ahead of me now  - a future i actually want to be a part of! 

People used to say to me that the things i had been through, one day, would help other. I just used to nod and agree yet inside would be screaming. But it is so true when they say 'your test becomes you testimony - and your testimony may indeed change someones life!'   I wouldn't wish my life on any one, but I am so so aware that there are too many people out there who know and are still feeling how i felt and are where I was at.  If I can even plant a seed into their life and show them things can be different then its all been worth it!  You can't argue with a changed life. 

I'm still learning how to walk in my freedom, and some times I do stumble, but I know that's OK as long as I get back up again, forgive myself and I carry on. I am learning to love myself for who i am, living the life that god has planned for me. I know that God has placed things on my heart, but i know that right now is the time for me to life and enjoy being alive - And if along the way i can bring love and joy to someone just by being myself then that's even better!!

not by photo's - sourced by Google images

I'm Not Perfect

I'm glad I'm not perfect - why?? well it would be really hard trying to perfect being perfect every day, I'm sure it would get very very tiring and i can imagine it would be very lonely.  I like living in a world where perfect does not exist, where just being myself is accepted,doing things to the best of my ability is what is asked of me.  Perfect is not needed - it is to high a bar to reach, once you think you have reached it the bar suddenly goes higher.  

Really, striving for perfection only brings feelings of imperfection, feelings of inadequacy and failure.  Nobody is perfect, they may think they are but really what is perfection. a person who thinks they are perfect through their own eyes may be the complete opposite in somebody else's.

What is wrong with just being who you are? Accepting you for you, not aiming to meet other peoples expectations, or trying to be someone/something you are not. Nobody wants you to be different, just being yourself is enough.  

Your probably reading this thinking, how do you know.  Well i do - i haven't always been where i am now.  I haven't always accepted me for who i am. I've been to places so dark i lost sight of everything - just because i though it would make me 'better' and to make out actually I'm fine there's not problem here!!! But it got me no where other than back in my own pit!  I was always striving for something different to please someone else. My 'bar' changed for whoever i was around, even those that knew me and just accepted me i tried to change for.  


When you get to a place where you accept where you are at, and who you are life gets so much easier. 

The enemy wants you to keep looking for perfection because he knows you can't reach it, this schemes seem achievable but then it changes once you get close to it.  he lures you into that trap and goes deeper and deeper until it feels almost impossible to get out.

BUT the good news is you can get out, there is a way to stop striving for perfection - its not always easy but it takes courage.

 My life changed to day i stopped concentrating on what i wasn't, and who i thought i was, who everyone else wanted me to be and stopped and focused on who God says i am.  To him i AM perfect - but i don't need to do anything other than accept him to be perfect.  i don't have to be the right weight, look the right way, get the right grades, go to the right school, live in the right neighbourhood i just have to be me!! That's it!!!!!

All he wants is for me to accept that he loves me I am loved 
and accepted just for who i am!! to God i have no flaws!!!